Posted by: Sk | February 22, 2009

Chapters 14 & 15

Chapter 14: Execution

Or almost. I had a horrible dream tonight, I woke up not knowing whether I was already dead or not and that left some really horrible feeling on my tortured soul which had the following effect: I woke up smoking one cigarette after the other as if my execution sentence had already been pronounced, I see something was missing and yes, today, but it may be a routine I haven’t taken care of, I saw Sask running down the corridor, and I stopped her and said: “Do you accept bets?” Which she answered to with a somewhat puzzled eyebrow lift and I said, quite quickly I must say: “That if it is possible to get out some information from here and publish it through internet.” “That’s impossible,” she assured quite convinced. “If it is, you owe me a hamburguer and you don’t shoot me?” “I won’t shoot you,” she said, “but I don’t think so.”

After which I felt some kind of relief deriving from the fact that at least the claim my world stay in my movies and get a hamburguer before being shot be heard somewhere – which was perhaps not of need if I wasn’t shot. Thus it was perhaps not necessary to get the hamburguer at the end – but it was that, it was that which had troubled me so deeply in my dreams. Of course she is warned now, but that doesn’t change much to much idea, although it does to the consequences. It’s true that I always exagerate, but even if you weren’t shot for that, the very fact some papers leave the prison and become public would have evil consequences, of whatever nature. If she knows, it won’t, and at least I can go on with my intelligence test without night mares.

That’s it all, but you can’t learn it otherwise than this way. It’s obvious that I have made a slightest mistake in appreciation, which was perhaps deliberate, from a certain point of view, but which may cost you a great lot if you don’t readjust everything at once.

The day she tested 375 questions had certainly another purpose – which I knew, in the depth – kind of proving I was none and just pretending too much, although she should admit that the very fact of being able to collect so many different and interesting texts is of some kind of interest to, showing undoubtably some intelligence in the recognition of intelligence, were it my own, at the end. Exactly there, I counter attack with the wanting to prove the failure of her security system – hypocritically and innocently pretending it’s just a test of intelligence. You’re none. Mistake. What would cost me 7 days of isolation in a civil prison may be a condamnation to death in this one. I mean, it’s true that such a proof of power deserves perhaps 7 days of isolation but death … Don’t overdo things.

Luckily Maya’s severe injunction to consider the context, and it is true that the mentioning of the soldiers all around woke up some forlorn memories of some movies certainly or other situations with menacing soldiers in the wherabouts, which are probably at the origin of my frightening dream, obliged me  to reconsider strategies immediately and I’m not the kind to leave such a marvellous plan just as project. The only way I thought of allowing the realization of it, was to get an agreement. How? Exactly. They may shoot you without warning. I mean a common human does usually respect rules if if he is knowledge of them, and it is true that these poor people, men and women, have to go through three years military service -were it in radios- and are thus necessarily in knowledge of differing regulations. Which is though not my case. Such an idea to put a foreigner here to pick all the systems with developped telepathetic spy programs and psychic engines … Now, that’s their problem. Only the hinting at such a negligence -were it in a fantastic reference to movie traditions- may have as effect to get an agreement. How quick. But that’s what I say: you solve the problem intuitively before you know what it is about. You really think I had thought about all this before jumping on this poor officer. Who must still be surprised on the other hand, but what, I’m not going to tell her my sorrows, she’ll think I’m mad after all, and this will make things worse.

Such a problem and though luckily there are angels and dreams and such a good exercise. Because it is very quickly defining the problem, finally. It’s all my problem. I developped a logic which allows the ordering of reality in such a way that not only problems appear in a more accurate way, but makes solutions much easier. On the other hand, humankind is moving in some different logic I have to adapt to in order to survive and/or make myself understood. I had forgotten this logic in 2002. I think now, due to the effort to get the lines of Golden Virginia. What seems natural, just, moral and bright in my logic is certainly weird for all the rest and it is sometimes difficult to shift quickly enough from the one to the other. See the problem. Because if it were this alone, well, you take care. But if on top you have developped psychic awareness to the extent of madness in order to solve a problem intuitively, you’re the whole time running into situations where you perceive “danger of death” “intention of suicide” “murder project” etc, things you answer to in your own logic which has as effect that you must be all day perhaps putting yourself in execution situations.

It’s what I say. Even mistakes have some meaning and should be deeply thought of. Well. That’s it for today. At least I can go on with my strategy – if I prove that you’re none, Sask, you’ll have some more problems than myself to recover from depression. Finally I’m used to mistakes. You may be, but you don’t have the right to show, and that’s weaker defense. At the end I’ll buy the hamburger for her. It’s my way of pardonning other people’s life when they lay defeated on the ground.

You have a point, like myself, where you don’t see. I got aware of that one day when I almost put fire to the whole village in Greece. It was custom. Tzarakatzan used to cut very strong wood called ‘crana’ to walk around with their sheep. I had managed to get one, after so many years of effort, which I was very proud of, I must say. They usually burned these sticks in order to get the liquids out of it and make it last. Exercise I was making that day and kept looking at one side of the stick without seeing that fire was growing the other side. After, it was too late. I couldn’t switch it myself. I realized that I had a 5 seconds unawareness inside of my security system. Enough to burn down the village. Enough to get shot today. I saved the village myself as I told them to call the firemen, finally. Every person has somewhere 5 seconds retardment in readjustment. Enough to loose a war.

I have to divert attention. But in any case, I’m sure that my ‘void moment’, as I call it, has a lot to do with my anger against science, of which some proof in my today’s literature.

Texts left in the computer

Chapter 15: Crosswords

Two weeks later. I have two weeks still to perform my plan, as I was told the day after the agreement ‘you have four weeks’, which I thought fair, although it was perhaps refered to something else. In any case I understood it that way and have to keep my time tables.

A very lucky event has come in help. In fact, if I want to get my mind out of the game of doing as if nothing was happening, which already is suspicious, I’ll have to concentrate myself on my surroundings. 10 days ago the monster arrived. ‘The other one’ Maya had said. Well, I know that one, too, must be some kind of unconscious meeting between closed walls. Luckily I don’t know the guards, otherwise I’d start thinking Sask has driven psychological torture as fas as to put on the scene all sorts of imaginary characters in order to drive me mad. What is absurd. Factually, she can’t know which my imaginary characters are. Although you finish by suspecting whatever in these conditions. Careful. Danger. Could be accused of paranoia.

I understand things much better now. Poor Maya. I even guess she wrote her tag on the wall with lipstick just in order to be put into some isolation cell for a while and get rid of that wicked monster. I used to call her. Which means she found some way for it to be discovered. I’ll have to take some teachings here, because that’s parts of the plan. Ouff, it’s true that life has become more difficult since the arrival of that one, and that’s because you have all day the feeling some tentacles in psychic realms are all day touching around your soul trying to pump out living ressources. You have to hide away even thoughts and shy feelings because you have the impression constantly they are observed by someone.

I’ve spent tons of ink on that ’subject’. The miserable one. I don’t know what her name is because I tend to deliberately distort names whenever I don’t like someone, but she appears in ‘Manual of a soldier’ as the monster already and everywhere around under the fictitious name of ‘Elma’. Apple in turkish. Just a temptation. I mean in Spanish the fruit of Paradise in Genesis is associated to an apple. A materialized temptation in a name, is that person. I liked her so little that I think I even revenged myself for the effort of trapping her by accusing her of about 200 crimes more than she may have actually have committed. Perhaps they’re even more, seen the type. In any case, whatever the relationship between my fury and reality, it’s not what the Spaniard says a ‘perita en dulce’. Some sweetheart.

I saw her at King David in 2003. That’s why I know she exists. I even have a picture of hers. I left it on the computer a few weeks ago. Well, I made the picture myself, just in order to remember how such innocently into the airs looking features may hide away deepest criminal intentions and not only.

In fact, the reasons and causes I developped such a fury against the subject would perhaps not seem convincing enough to Sask, for example. At those times I was working at the possibility of restoration of rational parameters through something called ‘common sense in affective lines’. It was too late to try teaching humankind mistakes in symbolic logic. I thus figured out that the most common feeling shared by human beings of whatever nature was the attachment to another in feeling. Precisely. A six wings logic implies that even damned and condamned homosexual had some place in the world and in intellectual organization. Not that I cared very much about that, factually. My problem was that intuition needs a volume in time in order to get some proper backing, and this volume is only obtained by a spatial organization involving their localization somewhere. I wouldn’t justify homosexuality as such, but I need intention and finality in some outer image. There are many people around the world and for most this very fact is disturbing because it goes far beyond some limited understanding. But. If you attach a man to a woman, saying, that’s the one you love, and it is true, what do you care about the others? Peacefulness makes us much more tolerant than if we feel uneasy or lonely. Thus, I was eagerly working at the shifting of values from material goods to some peaceful home, when the monster arrived to my secret laboratories.

There was nothing more opposite in concept to myself: married without love and proning chastity inside of marriage. Now, that was a thing. Who’s this wicked monster, I thought. I could not but admit that it was very seducing. Get all the advantage of social integration and image, without any kind of responsibility and with the aura ‘I’m beyond material and physical needs’ that puts you already two steps of the scale above whoever talks to you. I’d like to know what there may be behind, I said to myself and asked for information. Easy to see why. My concept, in fact a quite common, simple, human concept had as consequence that you saw in some kind of general projection people playing football with their children on Sunday, women sipping coffee around some gossip, men having to go through some test in order to conquer some love, and the kind. The activity deriving of  a different concept stands in some relationship to this image depending on how much the fundamental concepts are different. And the difference in concept was high. Information was not exactly reassuring, although it implied some reassuring points. As far as I knew she had been thrown out of the USA for avoiding taxes. Gambling environment, Las Vegas. Reassuring was the fact that the control on taxes had been sharpened. To my mind that is always reassuring from a general point of view.

In fact, a psychopath’s main characteristic is that he thinks he doesn’t owe anything to anyone and that he’s done everything by himself. Taxes are the social obligation to submit to the evidence that there are things we can’t do all alone by ourselves. Not that all the people who don’t pay taxes are psychopaths – although – but it is seducing and many are tempted by such a thing, which is to say that to a certain extent the common mortal shares for some while the characteristics of a psychopath when he doesn’t pay them. And this incresases in dangerous way the social cover for a psychopath.

The fact that my monster seemed to have been thrown out of the USA, implied that some more or less, let us say, secure environments were being build up. Bad luck for Israel, the monster landed there and seemed already to have gathered a net of 6743 criminals around her. I had thus to develop some strategy in order to trap her. To trap a psychopath means in fact, in reverted language, to seduce her. To seduce is nothing but to substitute yourself for a while to a corresponding type who the other would surround to. Which is to say, a construction. Depending on what you’re aiming at, you may construct a seduction in such way that it includes reverted elements, provoking hatred ar fright in the other until you leave. But the feeling that has been provoked includes elements that are new to the one and are going to alter behaviour. And this will make the security system jump because it includes features that are not considered inside of a former one. A slight mistake, a slight boasting, a slight step sidewards and it’s done for you.

Wasn’t it finally what she did? Steel some confidential messages that made the army see red. I’d say. It would be the consequence. This is the reason why she’s here, probably. I haven’t asked. I don’ care. I hate the monster. Luckily I’m no professional, I would have to repress my natural feelings.

Now, precisely, a new mistake. Must be happy, Maya. She told me a few days ago that security measures had been increased. (Such an accident, I thought.) And today there was a turmoil all around and the monster was again (!) sent to the isolation cells after having been shouted at for a long while. Maya is half the time exchanging news with guards and does always arrive with fresh news. It’s her way. Starts talking about fashion and t-shirts and finishes by getting one or the other information she doesn’t know what to do with. I know, though.

Apparently the monster was using a system of communication with the outer world which consisted in getting some alphabet soups and crosswords booklets from the outside she spent most of the time with. These booklets were though not new but had some quizzes that were already filled out. When the booklet was full or at least, those left seemed to be too difficult for her, she gave it back. “Why do you give it back?” The guard asked. “In order for them to know that I want a new one.”

Apparently, not only my cd’s were confiscated, but also her puzzles. I bet Sask didn’t need more than 12 hours in order to get most valuable information. It’s obvious. If you have an alphabet soup and not all the words you’re putting into the cases are corresponding to what they should correspond to, they make up a message. The same for the crosswords. You go through the questions or required words and quickly discover some words that are indicating connections or are giving orders, perhaps even bank transactions. Poor monster. There she has her life long. Won’t cry if I don’t see you back.

Maya looked quite relaxed, too. She’s trying to fish information out of me, reason why probably the guards are more generous with their information delivery. It’s not the moment yet. For the time being I’m selling her bubbles. Like my love affair with the guy in front.

I met him first finally a week ago. His name is Halil. He’s much younger than myself, reason why I’d never consider such a thing, but Maya doesn’t see things the same way. He’s 32, he told me and comes from a village in the whereabouts of Bethlehem. An accident, he says. He used to meet people who were involved in some terroristic organization, he knew about but he wasn’t involved into. He looks quite depressed. He knows that proofs look appalling and he has no defense. What? Shall I say I had nothing to do? The pictures are there taken from a satellite in black and white, big and shining showing his face among the others. So. If there are no miracles, he uses to repeat. At least he has some family members around. He seems to come from some good family, his clothes are always new and of good quality. He doesn’t want to tell them that he’s started smoking in prison. In fact he has no money, just new clothes and food and cokes. His family seems to be afraid he may not be starting taking drugs in prison. I buy some packet of cigarettes or the other for him, and sometimes I just give him a few coins, in case I don’t see him. It looks more oppressive that side of the walls.

In any case, Maya believes it is THE love story and is very curious about news. I don’t even pretend he’s innocent. It makes the whole more interesting. He’s a man. Shall he defend himself, I think.

In fact I’m rich. I don’t have where to spend all the money I get from my translations. I have made some deliberation with Maya and have promissed her we could buy some hamburguers if she uses her contacts in order to get them from outside. She said she would have to think about the proposition. Well, I said, if you don’t like hamburguers, you can get a falaffel. She didn’t answer to that one, either. I’m waiting, thus.

Sask seems to be in more amiable dispositions. Although you should have heard her shouting around in the morning. In fact, she must perhaps think that I was just delating the monster. Coincidence, honestly. Although who knows, could be intuition, too. It becomes perilious. If she thinks I was delating the monster she will not think I was actually preparing something and lower defense. Shouldn’t make that mistake, and in any case I’m not the kind to be happy because rewarded for delation. I took some notes from David who made kill the ones who brought the dead body of his general back – although he was his enemy. Bad news are never good news, he said or something of the kind. As I don’t like those myself, I don’t like to be rewarded for it, either.

Doesn’t matter. In any case I’ve been given a long list of questions, which, independently of the rest, make some distraction for the day. It seems it has decided her to spend some minutes with my desperate case, these people are as grippy with money as with time. Must think I don’t deserve it. Perhaps she’s right. I mean, from her point of view. I was asked to her office and she had a paper on the desk, which had some stamps on it, must be official, written in English and which was saying something like “makes up everything – homosexual – linked to criminal activity” – I can read upside down letters, that’s an advantage. German. It’s always them. Although I didn’t see the eagle on the paper – under the table information with serious Ref. to some obscure ministerial office in Berlin. Hmm. The idiots.

In any case she doesn’t know that. That I read letters that are upside down. She gave me a paper with a few questions, of which one, if I thought homosexuality was blameworthy. It’s already better than to ask why I don’t use lipstick. And others. But that’s the funniest one. One has to do with economy. Economy? Must be a German induction, again. Having economy as parts of constitution, they may pretend changes in the economical organization or texts tending towards these are proofs of revolution or intentionality. Which is much worse if you’re homosexual, of course. But that’s another wicked induction.

I’m going to start with the first one. Although not directly, for the time being. Perhaps she’s just trying to have my mind occupied in order to make me forget my plans. It’s funny, anyhow.

Answer to question 2

Is homosexuality blameworthy?

First: It’s not because you don’t share some behaviour that you necessarily have to condamne it.

Second: Some random adventure does not have necessarily essential implications.

Third: It’s a fact that considering general social tendencies it is better nowadays to take a very agressive attitude towards homosexual in order to warn them of a possible trap orchestred by radical wings. Even if it is none of my convenience from a theoretical point of view.

Fourth: I don’t like demonstrative homosexuality. But I wouldn’ make a law out of it. It’s just a reason not to sit down with a certain number of people. I don’t like demonstrative heterosexuality, either, even less meaningless encounters. That’s why I’m very alone.

Five: I adore seducing people because it is an intelligence game. Even more so if those keep deepest hypocritical convictions concerning what they’d never do. I like playing with fire, because I use to undermine implications. Which has as result that people may become aggresive.

Six: If I think that homosexuality is blameworthy it does not imply I consider theoretically the possibility of falling in love with unknown. In fact, my restrictions are much higher concerning other things than sexual orientation: age gaps, for example, difference in culture or interests. If love is a depth in understanding, I see less problems in understanding a woman than a multimillioner. (I don’t like people with money,  a priori – although I allow exceptions.)

Texts left in the computer


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